So Far Away

i'm so far away from me. thats what i realised yesterday morning on my way to camp in the freezing cold bus staring out of the window. i guess it comes with the ord mood. haha but on a serious note i once again reviewed my options and the once clear line have become blurry once again. i wish i could blame my lack of conviction at times like this but then again that wopuld just be me running away again. though right now i'm feeling kinda tired of fighting too. its gonna be crunch time in about 2 months time and the whole self doubt issue comes out again. so many thoughts so little space in my head. thinking of what i have been doing since the time i left eci the biggest lesson i learnt was how to be hard. though im not surprised thats all i seem to be learning. ive always never really wanna burden anyone with my own shit. good in a way though as i seemingly isolate myself from others i seem to be isolating me from me as well. perhaps thats why of late i've been making more of an effort to spend time with those i care about. i've always learnt most about myself when i observe myself observe other people and writing about it puts everything into a nice package for me to remember by. i feel lazy to continue this as you can see post from post have been getting further and further inbetween. guess this is where being hard is a good thing. gotta reel myself in and gather some focus. haha something kinda popped into my head and the voice told me to be a schizo again. he's been way to quiet of late either that or im too busy to listen to what he has to say so far. hmm this post is starting to look kinda jumpy. shows the state of mind i've been in. prob should keep up this writing. talk about writing i better start on my project now got everything prepared anyway. -out- be back soon

Suddenly i remembered this time when i was at the SOC ground with my recruit aaron. we were at the swing trainer. If i remembered correctly he was having blisters and having a hard time trying to clear the station and i said this to him; "All our lives we were taught how easy it was to give up and take the easy way out. What if it is possible that it wasnt so easy to give up? That giving up would be the hardest thing you had to do?" after saying that i surprised that i could even say that. words form so easily though it has come close to that point now. giving up. everything about me right now wants to give up and have things go the way things used to be. why dont i? part of me doesnt understand. it used to be so easy. why is it that now i fail in something i must get up and do it again? whats so different this time round? again i giving it another shot. yesterday night i was so close to giving up again. yet i didnt. and it hurts. and i wonder why i put up such a fight. for what reason? for what purpose? lost yet again Di? *chuckles* perhaps. however looks like i cant stay down anymore. no matter how painful it is i have to keep getting up. keep moving forward. to what ever it is that i am suppose to be doing. what ever it is that i want. i can see it so im going to go get it. its not to far now. yet its another case of so near yet so far. haha. i havent this fast in a long time for once i dont really care how the words are formed up. words are so easily formed arent they? at least im putting this to good use right now. letting out the steam thats been building up for what seems like ages. hahah even though i know its been a feww weeks. cant refuse to see cant refuse to hear cant refuse to move. ill have plenty of time to do that when i die. hahah i have a gut feeling even when i die its just gonna be a fleeting moment b4 the next time i have to see something hear something do something. my fingers are so restless right now i having so much fun typing all of this out. ive always loved to form words. so im just gonna do just that. my brain my body my mind has become like my old crappy com that breaks down from overloading time to back all the info i stored up in there to somewhere else so this crappy 'com' of mine can keep functioning. man this is getting long but doesnt seem like i wanna stop. it has moved up the tension in my stomach that i felt yesterday moved to my chest i have a feeling its going to keep moving just like i am going to keep moving my own direction. hahah i wonder if thats why kelvin didnt make such a fuss about me 'leaving' when ive seen so many people get hammered for doing so? *chuckles* i bet he knows im gonna have such a hard time. the time i spent with eci has come to a point where its always a safe haven for me it became too easy for me to stay there. so many people there are strong that they carried me this far. so when i decided i wanted to carry myself and find my own way of doing it he didnt have to hammer me. im already being hammered on my own hahahha its really funny. being hammered from him prob makes me wanna stay even more *chuckles* things can get so twisted ya? hahahah yup yup its moving up almost at the throat now. i guess im gonna keep moving. observing lin clean up yesterday was interesting in a sad way. i was thinking to myself that ive i had 'left' i would have been the one cleaning beside her. hahahah well i got my stuff to clean up first before i can start cleaning with other people. it was hard i couldnt even resist helping out at a request. *chuckles* i guess its hard being on my own since i never really took the time to do it. i always needed someone else. i want it to come to a point that im around someone not because i need to but simply just cause i want it that way. just like this is how i want my writing my thoughts my feelings to be expressed. it feels good. feels good to stand learn to stand on my own falling over so many times. picking myself up falling again. when i look back its kinda funny ya know? welll theres still so much i have to learn for me to do so a lot has been given to me so i gotta learn to get such stuff on my own. trip fall get knocked around? thats fine ill find a way to bypass all that. be a more reliable person. not because i need to do it or because people demand it of me but simply that is how i want it to be. that way people dont have to worry abt me anymore. *chuckles* they are gonna worry anyway but it takes away most of it perhaps hahahha. well i feel kinda light im gonna head out do what im suppose to do today. check out the price for the ipod AV cable!!! and start out on my story later finish up burning my anime. end of rambling -Didi out-

Side by side

There was once a boy who likes to walk on his own. One day he happens to look back and notices a boy of the same age following him. He looks strangely familiar to the boy, however the boy cant seem to recall where he has seen him before. The boy ignores the one following him and carries on walking by himself. After awhile he looks back again and the boy following him is still there.

"Who are you?" he asked the one following him.

"You don't know?" asked the other boy in surprise.

"No. I don't," he replied frowning slightly.

"You just forgot." said the other boy smiling slightly.

With that both boys carried on walking, one following the other. For years this carried on. The boy walking on his own with the other boy following without saying a word to each other. one knowing the other is always following him, the other knowing that one will continue walking alone. Then comes the time when both turns 21. The boy always walking alone finally stops walking and turns around to face the person always following him.

"Why?" the boy asks simply.

"So that 1 day you will remember," the other one replies.

"When will that be?" the boy asks. The other one shrugs.

"What will happen if i remember?" the boy asks. The other one gives him a smile and looks up at the sky.

"That will be the day we start walking together."

frustrations

things are getting overwhelming again. almost every single part of me wishes to rot away somewhere run away and just forget about everything. funny thing that is happening is what i just realise today when handling a recruit and i just said it outloud to him. all my life ive been taught that its so hard to move forward and so easy to give up. why should it be anything different now?! its just what i said to my recruit. moving forward is alot easier than giving up. somewhere along the way i must have taught myself that and now i just end up in a struggle. something i want to run away from but cant. its been biting me in the ass for far too long. somehow it doesnt really change things. moving forward running away everything is hard yet so easy. i dont know why the hell im twisting myself into a pretzel. is this all i can do to myself in the end? all this suffering and torture i put on myself. what the fuck is this for?!!! in the end im always alone. i dont allow myself to be otherwise.perhaps this is a cry for help. but even then..even then he is laughing at me. ilaf.... coz he knows i wont recieve it even if it is offered. in the end... this is getting pathetic. hahahah you are really laughing now arent ya? i hate you. and i love you all the same. im suffering and im happy at the same time. yeah pathetic. enough already. get yourself together and get to work already.

strength

just finished a marathon of bleach. hahah from episode 24 to 55. 20 minutes per episode 31 epsiodes. thats a total of...erm.. 620mins of watching hahah about 11 hours give sometime to getting basic nessecities. what i love about the show is the same why i watch naruto before the fillers started coming in. the exploration of what strength is. the journey of how 1 becomes strong with stubborn resolution. the question of what are you fighting for has always intrigued me. reminds me of what someone said to me b4 abt courage. *smiles* watching the shows always reenforces what is it im doing why im doing it who is in it with me. reminds me of what exactly i am capable of. what humans are capable of. modern day fights are alot different from all the swinging of swords but the essense of the fight is the same. all of us still fight in our own way for whatever purpose. let us keep fighting, living and not give up. to all my comrades i love you. seeing you guys reminds me of what i keep fighting for.

Moving

of recent its getting clearer to me what is it that im attached to. once again letting go so to speak isnt easy but its something i continuously have to learn and relearn i wonder why. i wanna wish it gets easier but knowing the stronger im attached to something the harder it becomes its clear thats just wishful thinking. its getting me down but i gotta stop it. it hurts yes but i cannot allow it to paralyse me. lets keep moving. perhaps its a test of my resolve. ive nvr really tested it and ive always been easily swayed lets see how this goes.

Hmm

Damn all that surrounds me are things! Haha ^^

Quidam

watched quidam yesterday night. it was magnificent! such a moving performance. a rollercoaster ride with all the highs and lows. the skill they exhibited in the performance was astounding! makes ya wanna run away with the circus! :D