frustrations

things are getting overwhelming again. almost every single part of me wishes to rot away somewhere run away and just forget about everything. funny thing that is happening is what i just realise today when handling a recruit and i just said it outloud to him. all my life ive been taught that its so hard to move forward and so easy to give up. why should it be anything different now?! its just what i said to my recruit. moving forward is alot easier than giving up. somewhere along the way i must have taught myself that and now i just end up in a struggle. something i want to run away from but cant. its been biting me in the ass for far too long. somehow it doesnt really change things. moving forward running away everything is hard yet so easy. i dont know why the hell im twisting myself into a pretzel. is this all i can do to myself in the end? all this suffering and torture i put on myself. what the fuck is this for?!!! in the end im always alone. i dont allow myself to be otherwise.perhaps this is a cry for help. but even then..even then he is laughing at me. ilaf.... coz he knows i wont recieve it even if it is offered. in the end... this is getting pathetic. hahahah you are really laughing now arent ya? i hate you. and i love you all the same. im suffering and im happy at the same time. yeah pathetic. enough already. get yourself together and get to work already.