So Far Away

i'm so far away from me. thats what i realised yesterday morning on my way to camp in the freezing cold bus staring out of the window. i guess it comes with the ord mood. haha but on a serious note i once again reviewed my options and the once clear line have become blurry once again. i wish i could blame my lack of conviction at times like this but then again that wopuld just be me running away again. though right now i'm feeling kinda tired of fighting too. its gonna be crunch time in about 2 months time and the whole self doubt issue comes out again. so many thoughts so little space in my head. thinking of what i have been doing since the time i left eci the biggest lesson i learnt was how to be hard. though im not surprised thats all i seem to be learning. ive always never really wanna burden anyone with my own shit. good in a way though as i seemingly isolate myself from others i seem to be isolating me from me as well. perhaps thats why of late i've been making more of an effort to spend time with those i care about. i've always learnt most about myself when i observe myself observe other people and writing about it puts everything into a nice package for me to remember by. i feel lazy to continue this as you can see post from post have been getting further and further inbetween. guess this is where being hard is a good thing. gotta reel myself in and gather some focus. haha something kinda popped into my head and the voice told me to be a schizo again. he's been way to quiet of late either that or im too busy to listen to what he has to say so far. hmm this post is starting to look kinda jumpy. shows the state of mind i've been in. prob should keep up this writing. talk about writing i better start on my project now got everything prepared anyway. -out- be back soon