Day of Destiny

So Far Away

2006-02-19T12:17:00.000+08:00

i'm so far away from me. thats what i realised yesterday morning on my way to camp in the freezing cold bus staring out of the window. i guess it comes with the ord mood. haha but on a serious note i once again reviewed my options and the once clear line have become blurry once again. i wish i could blame my lack of conviction at times like this but then again that wopuld just be me running away again. though right now i'm feeling kinda tired of fighting too. its gonna be crunch time in about 2 months time and the whole self doubt issue comes out again. so many thoughts so little space in my head. thinking of what i have been doing since the time i left eci the biggest lesson i learnt was how to be hard. though im not surprised thats all i seem to be learning. ive always never really wanna burden anyone with my own shit. good in a way though as i seemingly isolate myself from others i seem to be isolating me from me as well. perhaps thats why of late i've been making more of an effort to spend time with those i care about. i've always learnt most about myself when i observe myself observe other people and writing about it puts everything into a nice package for me to remember by. i feel lazy to continue this as you can see post from post have been getting further and further inbetween. guess this is where being hard is a good thing. gotta reel myself in and gather some focus. haha something kinda popped into my head and the voice told me to be a schizo again. he's been way to quiet of late either that or im too busy to listen to what he has to say so far. hmm this post is starting to look kinda jumpy. shows the state of mind i've been in. prob should keep up this writing. talk about writing i better start on my project now got everything prepared anyway. -out- be back soon

2005-12-18T12:15:00.000+08:00

Suddenly i remembered this time when i was at the SOC ground with my recruit aaron. we were at the swing trainer. If i remembered correctly he was having blisters and having a hard time trying to clear the station and i said this to him; "All our lives we were taught how easy it was to give up and take the easy way out. What if it is possible that it wasnt so easy to give up? That giving up would be the hardest thing you had to do?" after saying that i surprised that i could even say that. words form so easily though it has come close to that point now. giving up. everything about me right now wants to give up and have things go the way things used to be. why dont i? part of me doesnt understand. it used to be so easy. why is it that now i fail in something i must get up and do it again? whats so different this time round? again i giving it another shot. yesterday night i was so close to giving up again. yet i didnt. and it hurts. and i wonder why i put up such a fight. for what reason? for what purpose? lost yet again Di? *chuckles* perhaps. however looks like i cant stay down anymore. no matter how painful it is i have to keep getting up. keep moving forward. to what ever it is that i am suppose to be doing. what ever it is that i want. i can see it so im going to go get it. its not to far now. yet its another case of so near yet so far. haha. i havent this fast in a long time for once i dont really care how the words are formed up. words are so easily formed arent they? at least im putting this to good use right now. letting out the steam thats been building up for what seems like ages. hahah even though i know its been a feww weeks. cant refuse to see cant refuse to hear cant refuse to move. ill have plenty of time to do that when i die. hahah i have a gut feeling even when i die its just gonna be a fleeting moment b4 the next time i have to see something hear something do something. my fingers are so restless right now i having so much fun typing all of this out. ive always loved to form words. so im just gonna do just that. my brain my body my mind has become like my old crappy com that breaks down from overloading time to back all the info i stored up in there to somewhere else so this crappy 'com' of mine can keep functioning. man this is getting long but doesnt seem like i wanna stop. it has moved up the tension in my stomach that i felt yesterday moved to my chest i have a feeling its going to keep moving just like i am going to keep moving my own direction. hahah i wonder if thats why kelvin didnt make such a fuss about me 'leaving' when ive seen so many people get hammered for doing so? *chuckles* i bet he knows im gonna have such a hard time. the time i spent with eci has come to a point where its always a safe haven for me it became too easy for me to stay there. so many people there are strong that they carried me this far. so when i decided i wanted to carry myself and find my own way of doing it he didnt have to hammer me. im already being hammered on my own hahahha its really funny. being hammered from him prob makes me wanna stay even more *chuckles* things can get so twisted ya? hahahah yup yup its moving up almost at the throat now. i guess im gonna keep moving. observing lin clean up yesterday was interesting in a sad way. i was thinking to myself that ive i had 'left' i would have been the one cleaning beside her. hahahah well i got my stuff to clean up first before i can start cleaning with other people. it was hard i couldnt even resist helping out at a request. *chuckles* i guess its hard being on my own since i never really took the time to do it. i always needed someone else. i want it to come to a point that im around someone not because i need to but simply just cause i want it that way. just like this is how i want my writing my thoughts my feelings to be expressed. it feels good. feels good to stand learn to stand on my own falling over so many times. picking myself up falling again. when i look back its kinda funny ya know? welll theres still so much i have to learn for me to do so a lot has been given to me so i gotta learn to get such stuff on my own. trip fall get knocked around? thats fine ill find a way to bypass all that. be a more reliable person. not because i need to do it or because people demand it of me but simply that is how i want it to be. that way people dont have to worry abt me anymore. *chuckles* they are gonna worry anyway but it takes away most of it perhaps hahahha. well i feel kinda light im gonna head out do what im suppose to do today. check out the price for the ipod AV cable!!! and start out on my story later finish up burning my anime. end of rambling -Didi out-

Side by side

2005-12-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

There was once a boy who likes to walk on his own. One day he happens to look back and notices a boy of the same age following him. He looks strangely familiar to the boy, however the boy cant seem to recall where he has seen him before. The boy ignores the one following him and carries on walking by himself. After awhile he looks back again and the boy following him is still there.

"Who are you?" he asked the one following him.

"You don't know?" asked the other boy in surprise.

"No. I don't," he replied frowning slightly.

"You just forgot." said the other boy smiling slightly.

With that both boys carried on walking, one following the other. For years this carried on. The boy walking on his own with the other boy following without saying a word to each other. one knowing the other is always following him, the other knowing that one will continue walking alone. Then comes the time when both turns 21. The boy always walking alone finally stops walking and turns around to face the person always following him.

"Why?" the boy asks simply.

"So that 1 day you will remember," the other one replies.

"When will that be?" the boy asks. The other one shrugs.

"What will happen if i remember?" the boy asks. The other one gives him a smile and looks up at the sky.

"That will be the day we start walking together."

frustrations

2005-11-16T11:15:00.000+08:00

things are getting overwhelming again. almost every single part of me wishes to rot away somewhere run away and just forget about everything. funny thing that is happening is what i just realise today when handling a recruit and i just said it outloud to him. all my life ive been taught that its so hard to move forward and so easy to give up. why should it be anything different now?! its just what i said to my recruit. moving forward is alot easier than giving up. somewhere along the way i must have taught myself that and now i just end up in a struggle. something i want to run away from but cant. its been biting me in the ass for far too long. somehow it doesnt really change things. moving forward running away everything is hard yet so easy. i dont know why the hell im twisting myself into a pretzel. is this all i can do to myself in the end? all this suffering and torture i put on myself. what the fuck is this for?!!! in the end im always alone. i dont allow myself to be otherwise.perhaps this is a cry for help. but even then..even then he is laughing at me. ilaf.... coz he knows i wont recieve it even if it is offered. in the end... this is getting pathetic. hahahah you are really laughing now arent ya? i hate you. and i love you all the same. im suffering and im happy at the same time. yeah pathetic. enough already. get yourself together and get to work already.

strength

2005-10-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

just finished a marathon of bleach. hahah from episode 24 to 55. 20 minutes per episode 31 epsiodes. thats a total of...erm.. 620mins of watching hahah about 11 hours give sometime to getting basic nessecities. what i love about the show is the same why i watch naruto before the fillers started coming in. the exploration of what strength is. the journey of how 1 becomes strong with stubborn resolution. the question of what are you fighting for has always intrigued me. reminds me of what someone said to me b4 abt courage. *smiles* watching the shows always reenforces what is it im doing why im doing it who is in it with me. reminds me of what exactly i am capable of. what humans are capable of. modern day fights are alot different from all the swinging of swords but the essense of the fight is the same. all of us still fight in our own way for whatever purpose. let us keep fighting, living and not give up. to all my comrades i love you. seeing you guys reminds me of what i keep fighting for.

Moving

2005-10-20T22:14:00.000+08:00

of recent its getting clearer to me what is it that im attached to. once again letting go so to speak isnt easy but its something i continuously have to learn and relearn i wonder why. i wanna wish it gets easier but knowing the stronger im attached to something the harder it becomes its clear thats just wishful thinking. its getting me down but i gotta stop it. it hurts yes but i cannot allow it to paralyse me. lets keep moving. perhaps its a test of my resolve. ive nvr really tested it and ive always been easily swayed lets see how this goes.

Hmm

2005-10-16T17:25:00.000+08:00

Damn all that surrounds me are things! Haha ^^

Quidam

2005-10-16T17:15:00.000+08:00

watched quidam yesterday night. it was magnificent! such a moving performance. a rollercoaster ride with all the highs and lows. the skill they exhibited in the performance was astounding! makes ya wanna run away with the circus! :D

searching and finding

2005-10-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

recently took some time out from almost everything to find out something. away from camp from eci from my family to find out what is it i wanna do in my life. at that point of time i was feelin gso cluttered i didnt know what to think or feel. not sure what i wanna do or where to go. so there i was on a thursday night i think all by myself at a place where i rarely visit. pasir ris macdonalds with my chicken mcnuggets meal and a book to write out my thoughts. being away from the regular infuences of my life to find somwhere to go something that i want that has no ties to the regularities of my life not as a means of escaping but as a choice made on my own weighing whats around me whats available to me. clarity was what i was looking for and i found found more that wat i intended for. i found a dream that is no longer 1 and in the works. i found a man named john galt. now Who is John Galt? hahahha its so ironic that it took me so long to get it. *chuckles*

Aging

2005-10-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

yay. another long awaited post just because i havent written anything in the a long while yet again. com crashed using sis com. spent 200 bucks fixing it. just waiting to collect it. anyway was running an errand for my bro and went to buy ciggies along the way. i went to this provision shop which i went to quite a number of times. however te lady there that served me numerous times ask me for my ic..... i told her im 23.... she just said you look young. kinda got me thinking abt aging and what it means to look old. how come previous times she didnt ask for my ic and today she did? did i look younger today then i did previous times i came? if so what is the dfference? perhaps should go back and ask her. haha. probably thinking too much again. oh well better than not thinking at all.

Movie screening

2005-06-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

Man its been a while since i wrote something here. heh. oh well, so today we had a movie screening at the ECI office. a little tired right now so not gonna go much into detail. the movie showed was Dead Poets Society. i never watch the show b4 today so was quite thrilled. anyway b4 the movie started we discussed with kelvin points to take note on what to look out for in appreciating a movie. the movie was fantastic. i wished i had a lit teacher that was like Mr. Keating in the movie. we did an exercise creating a poem in the moment from what impression was left behind after watching the movie. so this is my poem:

brink of tears
fluttering of hearts
shaky hands
shifting thoughts
fear of fears
threatens to stop
me being me
here being here
now being now

slight changes at the end but yeah. whatever. learnt how to appreciate a movie for more than just a story which is what i usually do. voicing your voice and standing for what you believe in.

out. zZzZz

time brought to you by Didi's motorola phone : 0105 hrs

Risk

2005-04-29T20:41:00.000+08:00

learnt how to play risk ( ya know the boardgame) during the last few days of fieldcamp. hahah yes we instructors sleep late and have lots of time while the recruits doze off early hahah. i noticed how i like to wait things out and kinda go all out towards the end hahah. not very strategic in my opinion but the point being is that i also notice thats pretty much covers alot of things in the way i do things in my life. funny what you can see just from a boardgame or any other small thing that you do :) hahah

Listening

2005-04-29T20:33:00.000+08:00

Just came back from ECI office. did an assisting agreement. never fails to amaze me no matter how many times i assist i always learn something. my task today was to transcript whatever kelvin said from vid for live your mark. really took alot of focus. the prob i ran into today was that i always miss out 1 word which totally screws up the sentence im suppose to type out. makes me wonder how many times b4 ive missed out a word of what some1 said and totally misunderstood the fellow. hahah prob countless of times. makes me conscious of my listening when some1 talks. looks like listening isnt as easy as what most ppl think eh? *chuckles*

Bittersweet symphony

2005-04-26T03:59:00.000+08:00

Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony,
this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, noI can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,I can't change
Can't change my body,no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

Choices

2005-04-26T03:42:00.000+08:00

a turning point for me today during my leadership training . i was torn from holding on to what i was attached to abt myself and moving on to something greater which i want for myself. it was like totally ripping myself out of my comfort zone. as i uttered the words to choose to use my weaknesses to push me the greater heights it felt like i was killing myself. worse part is i have to keep making that choice everyday. haha. it will make me stronger and closer to achieving what i want and getting closer to my dreams.

Returning home

2005-04-26T03:36:00.000+08:00

field camp going on this week. while alot of ppl could find it uncomfortable to be stripped of practically everything. it was a beautiful experience for me. to walk down the dirt path on my own look around and just appreciate what i see. it was like a folding of all i went through in all the programs i took in ECI. priceless.

Expression

2005-04-26T03:14:00.000+08:00

cant rem what day it was but i know it was a pretty tiring morning. had a quick lunch and kinda knocked out on the couch at my platoon office. i had a wonderful dream. in that dream i had a glimpse of love as a physical expression(its not abt having a wild time in bed if you are going there). ive gone through love as a verbal expression, as an emotional expression. how is this different since yeah i use physical means to express love verbally and emotionally? i dont really know how to explain it but in this case there was an absense of thoughts words and emotions. there was nothing to say to think or to feel. i was in the presence of love and the intense physical connection with the other person. it was real special. if there is anything that i can feel abt it is that it felt sacred. perharps one day i can explore this possibility with another person.

Bittersweet

2005-04-19T03:22:00.000+08:00

its just a day after my sis did TCC. im overjoyed at being able to share this with a member of my family. i was on my way to blp training in the bus when i was just thinking of how to get the rest of my family to do this. at that point of time something hit me. i was reminded of how i started searching for this and the person who involuntarily sent me down this road because of his own inquiries and his own search. it broke my heart to know that i wont be able to present this to him. to tell him that i found what i was looking for and to let him have the same opportunity. he's passed away..... Dad i salute you. in honor of you giving me my life not once but twice i will carry your commitment as my own; giving our family a better life.

thinking

2005-04-14T11:58:00.000+08:00

after the drill practise at spinelli the other fri and the recent leadership training on monday ive come to the realisation that my thinking stops me from doing the things i want to do and achieve the results that i want. it is only when i stop thinking and just do what it is that i have to do that i truly enjoy the experience of doing and the results that come out of it. funny how it becomes aparent to me how i achieve results back then and now being able to see the formula clearly im able to go out there and do what i want and get what i want. an example to state that clearer would be the example i gave during training as my best achievement. and that was the first time i got 3rd during the asian x games trials. i rem after all the hard work i put in towards the competition figuring out a run what really made the difference was throwing all thought out of the outcome my expectations the pressure i was under and just skated.

time worthwhile

2005-04-14T11:31:00.000+08:00

somehow or other i always never get to watch the whole of black hawk down. anyway once again i only get to watch the last half of the show. the show had quite a significant impact on me. the scene that really hit me was the last part when one the guys was going back out and he was talking abt how ppl back at home will never understand why he does what he does despite what he has to go through. still rem the line he said. 'its all abt the person next to you' reminds me of what i want out of my time in camp with my recruits. seeing the feedback i get from them abt what they got out of our time together makes everything worhtwhile. im not wasting my time in the army

Coaching

2005-04-03T06:07:00.000+08:00

its known to a couple of ppl what ive taken on of late. for those who dont know im been revolving myself around coaching. the usual comment or reaction is a raise of an eyebrow or 'what sport are you caoching?' ................ -.-' haha i dont blame them. but it can get pretty frustrating sometimes handling the misconcpetions revolving coaching. what is coaching then? ever wanted something more out of life? ever had a dream? not knowing how to make it a reality? or you know however there's always something stopping you and you dont know how to overcome it? perharps you cant see what is stopping you? thats where a coach comes in. a person who runs along side you to guide you in overcoming your obstacles and barriers that stop you from getting what you want out of your life. someone who stands for you being greater than who you are right now and who you think you can be. someone who would kick your ass to get you going because you said you wanted it whatever it is. better relationships, better career better income better prospects better performance a better life whatever. so what is it that you want that i can assist you in getting out of your life?

A matter of perception

2005-04-03T05:49:00.000+08:00

yay another complain letter sent to our company. my OC is pretty ticked off with all the accusations coming in. Recruits whine send a letter way up there all the damn arrows starts coming down. hahah. i had a talk with my platoon abt what happened and a couple of them wanted to clear things up with me. i wasnt surprised when they were defending what they said.
sure they made valid points. however what they missed out was what happens in the background or rather why things are done which they didnt bother to ask abt or find out. so the conversation went pretty simple. i just asked them a couple of questions. so it turns out is that everything said was tuned towards their perception of things not necessarily what actually happened. they started to see that what they said is actually baised just that they dont realise it and they dont realise the consequences of they actions. im not abt to screw them up for that. at least they know now that things arent always what they seem. hey im not perfect i know there are times i have commited the same offense. haha maybe we should take a step back to review what we see from another angle. chances are we might be missing something. :)

after the sweat blood and tears

2005-03-31T10:41:00.000+08:00

ever took some time to do something that makes the shit you go through in your life worthwhile? after going through TCC abt over a year ago getting the crap handled in my life i brought my mom and sis down to a preview of that same program that i did. to say the least i was heartbroken to hear them turn down the very thing that has assisted me in turning my life around. ever since then i never asked them down for another preview. i constently spent time with ECI taking on programs, assisting spending hours of my time to improve myself. all this time i didnt really know what is it that i was working towards. everything came full circle abt a year now.i was driven by wanting to give this 'gift' that i got to the ppl that i love. now abt a year plus my family came down again. and i was the course supervisor for the day. my sis registered for the course on april and my bro is thinking of doing the 1 in may. 1 yr of slowly showing them what the work could do for them. slowly tell them what i got continous sharing of my world. finally up to this point. the work is not done after going full circle ive come 1 step closer and im glad i kept at it. and im still going at it oncemy family is done my friends next then comes the world muahahhah

Day of the Chicken

2004-11-18T09:02:00.000+08:00

Well it has nothing to do with chicken but its a chicken day. i just went through a pretty tough weekend of training at ECI. came to a conclusion abt how my pride has taken over me and how i was screwing up my life. today is just like any other day the circumstances were the same the people i work with are the same yet its all different now. i cleared up alot of confusion at my work place and people understand me better and working relationships are picking up.